Got Too Much Responsibility?

How About Some More Responsiveness??!!!

Photo by Kaysha on Unsplash

I know we all feel way too much responsibility. How many of us replay situations to gauge how blameworthy we are? How many worry about causing harm, even in the most unlikely of scenarios?

You want to hear some good news?

It’s because we feel and perceive so much, and others aren’t always willing or able to take on that responsibility. So we jump into the fray and overcompensate.

We take on so much responsibility because, quite simply, we have the capacity to be so reflective and empathic.

We take on responsibility because so many of us have grown up around others who don’t even notice all we are picking up on emotionally. And even if they do, they oversimplify and miss the heart of the matter.

We don’t need so much responsibility. We don’t deserve to feel the weight of the world on our shoulders.

Instead, we need responsiveness. Responsiveness is the active, internal process of tracking the lightning-fast changes of the psyche.

It’s the emotional equivalent of a jazz improviser ‘reading the chords changes,’ alert to the harmonies that are shifting all the while a coherent melody anchors the tune.

Have you ever noticed how different it feels when you’re talking with someone who is responsive? Someone who is sensitive and able to help you carry the nuance of your thoughts and feelings without judgment. In those situations, all of a sudden, your OCD softens, and you can think clearly and confidently again. You can make connections to how sad or anger or frustrated (or all of the above) you were, and now feel creatively empowered to do something with those feelings.

Feelings first have to be witnessed and validated before we’re able to do anything creatively with them. Without that, we start to doubt and question them, as we all know how to do almost too well.

We need this kind of responsiveness from others, but so often, others can’t hack it. Not because they intentionally want to hurt us, but because they can’t read the changes as well or as fast.

Sometimes, unfortunately, they even minimize or deny that the changes even exist in the first place—they feel so much safer playing the same chord changes they already know (not how the psyche works unfortunately!)

Without support of an empathic and tuned-in responsive partner, we go into our obsessional minds as the only ‘relational partners’ we have. While helpful at first, this part of ourselves gets very extreme and rigid and tries to oversimplify things by making us over responsible for issues that are better addressed through nuance.

It does this because it is not a humanized part of us—it’s an abstraction. As human beings, we always need relationships to smooth and soften the challenges of becoming more and more integrated. And with our specific capacity to think and feel so deeply, we are often missing these kinds of relational partners.

So what can you do? First, and foremost, find others who have our sensibility of sensitivity and rely on them to mirror and validate the kind of responsiveness you deserve. Second, start giving yourself back some of that same compassionate curiosit and empathy you so generously give others. Third, celebrate your inborn gift of reading and playing the changes. Finally, allow yourself to find multiple places to play out this wonderful capacity in your work, relationships, and creative ventures.

All in all, this will transform responsibility into responsiveness.

Any questions or comments on this article, please feel free to post in the comments. This is just a sketch but I hope to illustrate further with some cases soon.